Vivienne's Adventures

Sometimes self care means doing something quiet by yourself. Sometimes, it means going to a friend's place to hang out with him and his girlfriend, playing a VR game, and then wandering around Seattle at 10pm eating hot dogs. Why on Earth is this something that gives me energy and makes me feel better overall? Dunno, but it was nice! I recently reconnected with a college friend, and I've been getting to know his lovely girlfriend, and get to know my friend better. Gosh. I had such a nice time and we went on a mini adventure, too!  I really wish this was something I did more often. Losing your sense of time to spend the evening with good people makes such a difference. There are different types of rest and self care, and one that we often forget about is recharging yourself by spending time with good people and just doing something fun. Another one is just sitting in a quiet place and doing some painting, or drawing, or something chill. I've got a number of projects I'm ...

  Do you ever create personas for yourself just because a name gets stuck in your head, or you want to give an actual name to part of yourself that you'd like to play at some point? No? Just me then. Well, I think it's fun. I have a lot of characters in my stories, but I also collect names for myself like some people collect figurines. I won't list them all, but they're special to me in different ways. To name a few, there's Vivienne Aulaire, Vela, and a new one! Kovaltio! The name itself is Greek for 'cobalt.' I decided that after being teased about being a vampire (lovingly teased by friends), I decided to just create a vampire alter ego. This one has a name and a made up backstory. Just 'cause I could. What is the point of these alters? I dunno. It's just fun to create characters that could end up in a story, or just have their own.  My creativity seems to stem from all kinds of things, and I end up displaying it in various ways, like this! It...

  The fascination babies have with things amazes me. It's absolutely adorable to watch kiddos learn things, and spend ten minutes playing with the dots on the inside cover of a book--while ignoring the actual story. The Little One has been talking more, and he's starting to pick up words, and the noises dogs and cats make. (So cute!!) Even cuter than all of that is how he interacts with other kiddos.  He was at church this weekend, and within five minutes of being in the nursery with me and the other ladies, the one crying child I was holding calmed down and started playing with the Little One, and from then on, all the kiddos had a good time. I was so proud of the Little One. He even gave hugs to everyone, especially the kiddo that had been crying. (My heart! It was the cutest thing!) As an auntie, the most important thing I want to teach my Little One is to love, first and foremost. I think he's already starting to do that. They learn by example, and I will do my best to ...

  Let's talk about dreams, but from the perspective of someone struggling with mental illness. I'm not talking about the dreams we have when we sleep, because that's a whole other topic, haha! But what do we want from the future? When you're struggling with depression, it's hard, sometimes impossible, to picture a future where you're happy and content. It can get so dark that everything feels awful and impossible. Honestly, it really, really sucks.  Someone asked me recently what my dream is, what I hope for in the future, no matter how impossible it may be. I had to really sit with that. Until recently, it was a struggle to think of anything I actually wanted other than to be a published author. But, thinking about what might be ideal, what could be really, really nice to have in the future, I got a clearer picture. I started thinking about more than just being an author. That image I have in my head feels so nebulous, but in a good way because it might be poss...

  I grew up on books. My mom, pictured above, taught me to read at the age of three, and once it clicked that reading meant I could read all the stories I wanted, I never looked back. I love reading! When I was a kid, my favorite birthday gift was books. I was teased by family for preferring a book over playing outside in the sunshine, but it never really bothered me.  Stories, to me, are one of the most important things in this life. I mean, if you think about it, people are made of stories. We all have our own unique story, and what are memories if not that unique story? But they're not just records of the past. They can take us to places we've never been, take us on journeys where we meet interesting new people, teach us any number of things, and give us an escape from reality.  I devoured book after book as a kid, up until recently. Over the last few years, I started switching my energy from reading everything I could get my hands on, to writing my own stories. Trust ...

  Sometimes it's nice to run around downtown and pretend to be a tourist. My sister Remy and I went to Seattle the other night and had a really good time. (I totally wore the wrong shoes, but it was fine for the first couple hours.) We forget how pretty the area we live in is. It's so gorgeous! We actually went on Seattle's ferris wheel for the first time, and gosh. I had so much fun! I spent the first roundabout taking pictures, and the rest of the time marveling. I LOVE heights. My sister, not so much. But she and I both fell in love with the views of the Puget Sound. It looks so cool!  It's easy to forget how much natural beauty is around us all the time. I'm used to seeing it on hikes, but it's all over Seattle, too. It was a nice day, not too scorching, not too cold, just right for a summer evening wandering Pike Place Market and the waterfront.  By the time I got home, I actually felt refreshed. Tired, but in a good way. I really needed that walkabout. It ...

  There seems to be this whole stigma around therapy. Oftentimes its depicted in media as something people don't want to discuss, something they feel ashamed about. But come on. The reality is that therapists just want to help. Sometimes all they do is listen. That's so huge because oftentimes those of us who struggle with mental illnesses don't feel like they have safe enough people to vent, share their frustrations, and tell the truth about how they feel.  Masking, or pretending you don't have symptoms for the benefit of others, may help in a situation or two, I can understand why we do it, but long term, it's really harmful. We need safe people to talk to. We need safe people who point out that yeah, that situation was really painful, and we shouldn't be beating ourselves up for feeling a certain way, when that's precisely how we should feel.  Therapists, in my experience, are kind. They listen, they point out the things you're doing really well at, t...

One of the things that doesn't get talked about enough is what happens when someone struggling with depression and or anxiety starts taking meds. What happens? Well, nothing at first. In my own experience, the medication I was prescribed was one of the lighter ones, and it took about a month to actually start working. I noticed after about a couple weeks that it was taking more to overwhelm me, and I wasn't breaking down into frustrated tears nearly as much. Granted, it also felt like I was mentally more stable in general. Which was nice. But here's the other thing. It was super freaking weird! When my brain started changing for the better, instead of getting super excited, it freaked me out, honestly. I didn't know what it was Supposed to feel like, and it felt almost wrong to not be plagued with dark, intrusive thoughts, to be unable to get myself to stop worrying about a situation, overanalyzing social encounters, and to have little to no motivation to do absolutely ...

  Let me tell you about a thing. I've talked about it before, but I want to go into more personal detail. Executive Dysfunction. First of all, it sucks. Second, it's frustrating because it doesn't make sense, a lot of the time. Recently, I've been wanting to do a number of things, watch my favorite new tv show, catch up on my favorite dnd show, write, and work on some drawings for friends.  Have I done any of those? Well, other than writing, no. Not really. Why? I just need to do the things, why can't I do the thing? It's something I want to do, but I just can't sit down and do it. *sigh* I get easily frustrated because whenever I have enough time to work on something, I feel mentally exhausted, or I forget, or I feel too restless to actually get something done. Oh, and don't get me started on focus.  Now, I'm not going to lie, this can get really frustrating. It is something people with ADHD struggle with, but they're not alone in this. It's...

  For me, most holidays consist of going over to a family member's house or having the family come to our place. This year, the 4th of July was no different than our usual. Except that the last few years, we haven't really done anything for the 4th. Partly because the parents have been gone, or most of the family have been elsewhere the last three or so years. I wasn't sure if this year would be different or if I'd be alone again. Thankfully, I wasn't! I actually got to spend time with my cousin and we carpooled to the family gathering and back. Which was fun! I'm not big on the fireworks anymore. Unless I'm watching a display, the sudden loud BOOM's are startling and drive me crazy. But! I got to snuggle my nephew and since I hadn't actually seen him in a week, it felt like I hadn't seen him in too long. Baby snuggles are the best! I don't know why, but when a little one falls asleep on me, it's such a cozy feeling, and I feel so special...

  June is over, somehow, and now it's July! Which means that I've got a few tasks I want to focus on. Depending on what news we get at the end of the week, some of my tasks may get thrown out the window in favor of a big thing, but we don't know yet. That being said, I'm really excited! This week, ok, the last few months, blogging every day has been hard to maintain, so I'm trying to not let me perfectionism overwhelm me and make me feel bad. Life happens. July is one of the months where the organization that encourages National Novel Writing Month also puts on Camp Nano. Essentially, it's a choose-your-own-goal Nanowrimo, and for the second time this calendar year, I'm going to rewrite Ziggy, book 2 in my series. I learned a lot at the writer's retreat, and I am super excited at the new plot I have all figured out! I've taken the feedback I've received, my new plot, and all my revision notes from rereading Ziggy version 4, and I'mma write a ...