Vivi's Dreams

 

Let's talk about dreams, but from the perspective of someone struggling with mental illness. I'm not talking about the dreams we have when we sleep, because that's a whole other topic, haha! But what do we want from the future? When you're struggling with depression, it's hard, sometimes impossible, to picture a future where you're happy and content. It can get so dark that everything feels awful and impossible. Honestly, it really, really sucks. 

Someone asked me recently what my dream is, what I hope for in the future, no matter how impossible it may be. I had to really sit with that. Until recently, it was a struggle to think of anything I actually wanted other than to be a published author. But, thinking about what might be ideal, what could be really, really nice to have in the future, I got a clearer picture. I started thinking about more than just being an author. That image I have in my head feels so nebulous, but in a good way because it might be possible, it may be something I can actually work towards.

But I also see it as nebulous in a frustrating way because with some of the things that have been happening behind the scenes, I'm stuck in a waiting game. I've made a decision to do something, if things line up, but we're still waiting to see if said things actually line up. We went from "This might be a big change happening quite soon" to "We'll let you know as soon as this one person is off vacation." So I've been thinking about the future week by week at best. Mostly day to day, trying to keep track of what's happening when, sometimes wondering if I could sign up for this one thing later this year, only to be annoyed because I have to find out about the big thing first. ...Like I said, it's been a struggle. But, that doesn't deter me from wanting things in the future. I'm making a whole mental list, and refining it, tiny bit by tiny bit to see what I could actually accomplish.